I have attempted to write this post a few times. I hesitated because it is humiliating, but I didn't want to hide it from you because I said my blog was about authenticity and vulnerability.
Anyway, this past summer, my husband and I had a massive blowup on our way to a fun and much-needed lunch date with some precious friends. The short fuse ignited when we exited the mudroom of our house, and then the distressing bomb went off the minute we drove out of our garage. It was soo ugly and embarrassing. Neither of us had any self-control, and we just basically vomited our words onto one another. We were in no frame of mind to be with our dear friends, so we regretfully changed our RSVP and returned home. Both of us were still fueling each other's anger by not choosing our words carefully and spitting out whatever came to mind. It was so distasteful and shameful that our children had to tell us to stop. (It is still disconcerting to me what we did in front of our kiddos.) We eventually did and kept to opposite sides of the house. I wasn't sure how we would recover, but it was best to remain silent and try to re-create a safe space for ourselves and, more importantly, for the kids.
Both of our minds were whirling with emotions, and our hearts were in just as much pain. What were we doing to each other and ourselves? Obviously, we were both hurting and taking out our frustrations on one another, and we didn't exercise one of the fruits of the spirit, self-control. We threw daggers into each other instead of shielding one another.
About an hour or so after being apart and trying to gain composure, we heard our house doorbell chime. I didn't know if it was a salesman or an Amazon delivery, but I remained in my daughter's room. It wasn't until the door opened that I heard the sweetest voices come into the atmosphere. One of the couples we were supposed to meet for lunch had come over. They came straight to our house without any hesitation. I didn't even hint about our issues in the text when we canceled, but they read between the lines and heard the SOS promptings of the Holy Spirit. They came in and just sat with us. They said we didn't have to say anything but wanted to remind us how loved we were and how they were there for us. We sat together; I held my friend's hand like it was a lifeline. Approximately 30 minutes later, the doorbell rang again, and the two other couples we were supposed to meet came through the door with their gifts: tender grace and mercy. I was caught off guard and so overwhelmed by their love for us. They hugged and embraced us with more compassion than I could contain. We sat and ate lunch together (they generously brought it with them) and had a sobering time of connection. They didn't pressure us to divulge our issues, but their kindness softened our hearts so much that we became vulnerable and disclosed the details. We opened up as God used them as tools to perform heart surgery on my husband and me. The surgery was painful like any other surgery, but it was necessary. Our friends' (the surgeons) obedience to listen to the Holy Spirit and drop everything to come over was the beginning of our healing and recovery. It reminds me of the story in the Bible about the paralyzed man who needed healing but couldn't get in front of Jesus because of the crowds. I think the paralyzed man desperately hoped for his healing when he heard Jesus was back in town but may have been doubtful when he noticed the masses of people already in front of Jesus. However, his four dedicated friends lent their faith to the paralyzed man and found a creative way to bring their friend in front of Jesus. They probably didn't announce to him how they would make it happen, but they each carried a corner of the paralyzed man's mat and lowered him through the roof of the house right in front of Jesus (Mark 2:1-5). Just like these four friends, our friends lent us their faith, carried us in front of Jesus, and waited for our healing.
This testimony is threefold—number 1. Everyone needs a community—people serious about relationships and building one another up in faithfulness and fruitfulness. We require ones who can keep us accountable without judgment. Ones who can lend us their faith when we don't have any or have the strength to muster up any.
If you have a similar community, thank God for them over and over.
If you don't have one yet, be committed to praying for one. Everyone absolutely needs one. We are not meant to do life alone. Relationships are vital for growth. If you're married, I find it essential to find a community of like-minded couples where the husbands can bond as well as the wives. Not just for one or the other. One of the best gifts is to witness my husband connect while I do the same with the wives.
Number 2. Marriage is messy. Not every day will be like when you were on your honeymoon. As humans, we constantly change, so the way you and your spouse were when you were first dating will be different now. I guarantee it. Take the time to learn who your spouse is today and grow together from that place. I'll caution you that significant work is required, but it's worth it. There's no shame in admitting your marriage is in the storm. The first step is admitting it, so you don't drown in it. My husband suggested we go on a date like it was our first. We converse like it was our first time meeting. We share from the place of who we are now. It's a fun experience because it brings back the "silly and giddiness" of dating versus the monotony of already knowing everything. Try it, and let me know how it worked out for you.
Number 3. Apologize to all those that were impacted by the debris of your explosion. We openly apologized to our children for our disturbing behavior. Now that they are older and more mature, we can openly share our work in progress and how God is working in us to become healthy again, individually and as a couple. They are firsthand eyewitnesses of how God can make beauty out of ashes.
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